 _In an interview special I caught up with our very own El Capitan David Miller and Carl 'Red' Morris about Windy's obsession with female underwear and Carl's addiction to pies. There's a bit in there about football too!
PH: Afternoon gents, how are we?
DM: Not bad mate, not bad.
CM: Good thanks Phoenix.
PH: So gents, can you give me your opinion on this little club of ours?
DM: I love it, it’s a great club. Good people behind the scenes who work really hard with very little resources. Players are all good lads and have a laugh. Can’t really ask for anymore.
CM: I agree completely, it’s a great club; there are a lot of people that do a great deal behind the scenes and get very little praise. Westfield is a club that doesn't pay players to play so the lads that are at Westfield play for the club and not for the money, which is great. It's a good laugh at the club and everyone gets on with everyone, which is very rare at a football club.
PH: Well you’re making me feel all warm and fluffy inside! Block, can I ask you how you think we are perceived from the outside?
CM: Everyone dislike playing at Westfield, when they see a fixture against us they automatically think ‘what a crap pitch, what a cow field,’ just because we are a country side but that's not the case anymore. Westfield's pitch is a lot better than some, being a village and a small team everyone thinks we are not good enough to be in county league but once the new ground is done Westfield will have the potential to go along way and players will be queuing up to join the club and people will look forward to playing at Westfield.
PH: Windy, how do you think perceptions of the club will change once work begins on the new ground?
DM: It will change massively, it’s been dragging on for so long that people don’t always realize it’s actually now happening. Once it’s here, Westfield will be the place to be and easily have the best facilities in the area. Just seeing a digger in the field will make a massive difference to the club.
PH: Champagne corks will be popping when the first bulldozer rolls in. Block, how far do you think this club can go, can we do a Crawley Down or a Whitehawk?
CM: You know what, anything is possible. Once the new ground is up and running Westfield is going to make a huge jump up in the county and will attract more and more players, so you know what – ‘yes’ I think we can. And why not? You have got to aim high, if you don what's the point.
PH: ‘A man’s reach must excide his grasp!’
DM: Nice quote!
PH: I’m full of them me!
CM: No, you’re full of it!
PH: Ouch Block, that cuts deep! So Windy, apart from the obvious what excites you about the new ground?
DM: Where do I start! Not playing on a pitch that gets hammered regularly by moles is the first thing! John & Matt do a great job but there’s not a lot they can do about that! Having bigger & better changing rooms as well, so I’m further away from Bally when he has another cup throwing tantrum!
PH: Yep, we all heard about that. Temperamental chap isn’t he.
CM: That’s one way of putting it!
PH: Block, give us some dirt on Windy, and don’t be shy!
CM: My pleasure! Me Tom and Windy went on holiday to Tenerife and miller got with this girl and did stuff with her, she was wearing these French knickers that looked like they hadn't been washed for years, they where a dirty pinky colour and little does everyone know Windy kept them!!!!
PH: Please tell me he is lying Windy?!
DM: That is quite simply not true.
PH: Well David, anything to say in return?
DM: He knows the location and opening times of all McDonalds and KFC’s in the area. He even gets letters when they open new ones, I kid you not! Plus his Mrs thinks he’s on a diet but every night before he gets home he sneaks off for a steak and kidney pie!
PH: I’m not even going to bother asking if that’s true Block, from the look of your waistline I can tell it is! Gents, worst dressed at the club?
DM: Got be the Duncan ‘the nose’ Jones! What does he look like? Although Crutts’ god awful massive baggy boxer shorts make me laugh every time!
CM: Has to be Duncan "big nose" Jones I seriously don't know what's going through his mind when he gets dressed in the mornings.
PH: Sounds unanimous. I’ll have to get Jonesy’s opinion on the matter! Moments of the season?
CM: As I was only at Westfield the later end of the season I don't have as many memories as some of the other lads. But the ones that I do remember are: In 2nd place Sami Antonen singing the finish national anthem, what a legend! He's got bigger balls than me and in first place by a country mile has to be Gordon throwing up over his dad, absolute classic, I'm amazed his dad stayed so calm. My dad would have given me a black eye!
DM: There’s been a few, so I’ll do a top three! Like ‘Red’ said, nothing will ever top Gordon throwing up on his old man! You could see his dads head outline in the window! That’s gotta be number one. A close second was Morris’ heartfelt confession in the car to me, Tom & Ridgeway that he “can’t stop eating”, Genius!! And third has to be Pughy’s sprint to stop a goal kick! A moment that shocked everyone, I’ve never seen that before and doubt I will again to be honest!
PH: Must have missed the Pughie incident. Frankly I don’t believe it! Windy, if you had four words in which to describe Tony what would they be?
DM: Faked Tanned Oompa Loompa!
PH: Nice! What about for Bally Block?
DM: What a nice guy?????
PH: Absolute bottle job Morris. And for Jonesy?
DM: Big nose awful hair
CM: Big Nose Cyril Sneer
PH: The Beak comes in for some abuse doesn’t he! What are you expecting fro preseason Windy?
DM: I’m expecting to be run into the ground! I think preseason needs to be hard to get you ready for the season, if I’m honest I think that’s where we fell down a bit last season. I’m also expecting to see the long awaited fitness –off between Gords and Ross. My moneys on the Ross-a-tron to spring a surprise!
PH: Think you need to add Boothie to the fitness mix now as well! What are you hoping for from the season Block?
CM: With the players we have and if we get some of the players that the management are after then I think we can do really well in the season I personally want to finish in the top 5 if we do that it will be a good start for the new ground.
PH: Windy four words for Block?
DM: Big balled red bastard (can I say bastard?)
PH: Too late now! And Block, for Windy?
CM: Pasty Red Light Bulb.
PH: Where has the nickname ‘Red’ come from mate?
CM: Red has come from a holiday we went on to Tenerife, it was very hot and silly me didn't put a great deal of sun cream on so I got burnt, I was bright red, but then the morning after I was white again! Hence, therefore the name ‘Red’ came about. They say I don't go brown in the sun just RED. And Dunc can't say anything about the clothes I wear; I seriously don't think there are any mirrors in your house.
PH: Finally gents, give us some dirt on one of your team mates?
DM: There’s loads of things I’d love to mention here, but in order to save peoples relationships I’ll keep quiet.
CM: I'm the same as windy there are so many things I could say but I'm not going to, mums the word and all that.
PH: Pathetic gents, frankly I’m embarrassed by you both, and as punishment…. I’ve been told by a member of the team - who will remain nameless - that in fact Windy you are reffered to as 'Light Bulb' not because of the shape of your head but in fact because of the shape of your 'old-boy' and Block it has been confirmed by a second source that it is true and you are a secret eater. Sorry Mrs Morris!
 _ In my second preseason interview I managed to catch up with Big Dave Pugh about all things Westfield and his burgeoning love story with Bally.
PH: Big Dave, great to talk to you again mate.
DP: I’ll always find time for you Phoenix.
PH: You’re too kind David. So, what made you put pen to paper so quickly?
DP: I really enjoy the atmosphere and people around the club. After talks with Tone & Bally it seems as though the club wants to move forward and try to challenge for trophies. If we can keep the better players from last season’s squad and add a couple more half decent players then we won’t be far away.
PH: I love the positivity. I hear you’re one of the best trainers at the club?
DP: What can I say?? I learnt my trade from Dirk Kuyt - absolute workhorse!!
PH: Of course you are Dave. Moving on swiftly, Jethro was very frank about his opinions of the club before and after he joined. Can I ask you for yours?
DP: I think the majority of people look at Westfield and see that they don’t pay players, the pitch isn’t great and the facilities aren’t the best. But I’ve found that Westfield more than make up for that with the people involved with the club, the effort everyone puts in to keep the club running and because players don’t get paid you don’t get any big time Chariles who could potentially ruin it for everyone. Also the pitch has made huge strides even in the short period since I joined.
PH: Eloquently put. You’re a centre forward so it’s all about putting the ball in the net. What’s your favourite goal in a Westfield shirt?
DP: I have 2 favourites, the goal at Storrington in the last minute to nick that 4-3 win was pretty special. And the freekick away to Uckfield in my first season, All i could hear was there manager shouting "let him shoot, he won’t score from there", Boom - Top bag!
PH: The Storrington goal was massive Dave, that doesn’t go in and it could have swayed the end of the season in a different direction. Bally’s a huge fan of your work rate. Anything you want to say on the subject?
DP: I don’t blame him.
PH: Short and sweet! Bally asked me to ask you truthfully, how much do you love him?!
DP: We very much have a love/hate relationship but deep down I know he loves me. In all honesty I have a lot of respect for him and he knows what he’s talking about (sometimes).
PH: Creep. You’re in the side to score goals. Jonesy’s record is 36 league goals in a season. Is this the year you break it?
DP: Yes!
PH: Enough said I suppose. Who’s the worst dressed player in the club?
DP: Kev Bird - He’s a top bloke but the big lad decides to buy children’s t-shirts. Very, very tight.
PH: If you could add one of your team mates attributes to your game what would it be?
DP: Without a doubt it would be Joe Barham’s dribbling ability, he’s feet are so quick and he seems to skip past players with ease. And Gordon’s tenacity and willingness to close players down, I severely lack that.
PH: What was your comedy moment of the season?
DP: Definitely doing a pyramid with Ringers calling out the press ups..! That is comedy gold..!! 1.......2.....................done!
PH: What are your expectations for the season?
DP: If what the management are saying is true and they manage to lure there targeted players to the club and keep the players we’ve already got then I fully expect us to be challenging for a top 6 spot and maybe to win a cup.
PH: From what I’m hearing on the grapevine you’ll get your wish mate. Give us some dirt on one of your team mates and don’t be shy, the public want to know!
DP: I was out with Brainy the other day and he let it slip that he in fact HASN’T got a ‘Grower’, just a ‘Show-er!’
PH: And so the legend dies! What’s going on with your spot kicks ‘Big Dave’? There’s a rumour going around they’re giving them to Windy next season….!
DP: Windy hasn’t scored since I’ve been here, shocking ratio. Must be over confidence as I feel as though I’ve already scored before I’ve hit the ball. Let’s hope that changes before next season.
PH: What frustrates you most about the side from last season?
DP: Too many players, including myself, were in and out of the side and we never managed to get a consistent run of games together. I think it showed during the last 8-9 games that if we could get our best side together we could beat anyone on our day.
PH: Are you looking forward to preseason? We hear you have a fitness expert coming in to take weekly sessions and there’s a lot of talk of the Firehills?
DP: I have sweet dreams about the Firehills and could run that in my sleep, along with any beach runs, road running or bleep tests you throw at the squad. No problem, D.Pugh = fitness freak.
PH: And finally, a little wager? You score 36 goals in the league this season and Bally, Tone and Dunc will do a forfeit of your choice (within reason, keep it clean Dave, we’re a family club!) Suggestions?
DP: Ok, for Tony - I would like him to admit to wearing fake tan in The Observer. Bally - Kiss my boots in a packed clubhouse and then clean them thoroughly, then return them and say "Dave, I’ve always wanted to clean your boots as I really look up to you as a player." For Dunc - Stand on the goal line with your ass out, before the last game of the season and let each player have a shot at hitting your ass from the penalty spot.
PH: I’ll get back to you mate after putting the deal to the management trio. I think at a glance Bally and Jonesy will be game but Tone can be a little sensitive about his ablution habits! Thanks for your time Big Dave.
DP: Always a pleasure mate.
In the first of a series of interviews I caught up with Jethro Warren, our influential defensive midfielder who has led the way by putting pen to paper and signing for the new season.
PH: Morning Mr. Warren. Thanks for finding the time to talk to us.
JW: My pleasure Phoenix.
PH: Can I ask frankly, what were your preconceptions of Westfield before joining?
JW: I always thought that it was a club which was falling behind other local clubs due to maybe lack of ambition or support or even funding, which is why I thought they struggled to attract players.
PH: Very honest of you Jethro. So how, if at all, have these views changed during your time at the club?
JW: Well, how wrong I was! It is one of the best run clubs I have played for and the passion and ambition throughout the club is second to none.
PH: That really is so nice to hear from someone who is still fairly new to the club.How is the injury? You were sorely missed at the end of the season.
JW: I like the pun "sorely missed"! It's slowly getting better so should be fit for the start of pre- season, hopefully. I've been running and cycling on it without pain so fingers crossed.
PH: Everything is crossed mate. You've put a smile on all our faces by putting pen to paper already. What are your expectations for the season?
JW: Firstly I expect us to compete in a" never say die" way, more consistently as I think as a whole, heads dropped too easily last year. Secondly I think we could easily finish top 5 if we have a bit more self confidence and belief in our own ability.
PH: I love the positivity Jethro, you sound more Dunc than Tone (forever a pessimist!). Can I ask who stood out for you last season?
JW: Gordon, without a shadow of a doubt. As a midfielder he was good, but when he moved up top he was exceptional and I hope he stays with us.
PH: I think we can thank Dunc and Matt for Gordons move up top. A few eyebrows were raised at first (including Tone) but it proved to be a clever move. Talking of our diminutive joint manager, please tell us about Tony's dressing room tantrum I've heard so much about.
JW: It was a proper strop. Tony and I had a half-time disagreement which resulted in Tony hitting the formation board on the wall and knocking the magnets everywhere. He had to jump to reach it too!
PH: Bless him, difficult not to chuckle when he loses his temper. If you could have one attribute of one of your team mates what would it be?
JW: Pace. I have never been the quickest and sometimes it is the reason for my persistent cautioning as ball or man go past me, rarely both.
PH: Sounds like Tony and Bally in their prime! Who's the worst dressed person at the club?
JW: I would have to say Ringers, not for his clothes but for that fluff on his face. He could have the nicest stuff on but that face fluff would just ruin it. Sorry Ringers!
PH: Don't apologise Jethro, the Ringo beard is truly awful, but you can't help but love the guy! So who's the worst trainer in the side?
JW: Sam Willett. Always on the treatment table, even more than me. Oh and Sam Henham, he is just as bad. No offence boys.
PH: No offend them please, it might help! Away from football slightly, we hear Tony, Dunc and Matt are doing the National 24 hour Three Peak Challenge on June 1st for Charity. Do you think Bally will make it without collapsing or more to the point survive without feeling the need to throw Dunc off a cliff?
JW: He will make it , maybe not in 24 hours but he will do it and I am sure he will try and throw more than one person off. If Windy was going it would be him, I am sure of it.
PH: I have to disagree with you there Mr. Warren, I actually think Bally will make it in 24 hours and I also think Dunc should stay away from precipices while Bally is around! All joking aside though, everyone seems to get on incredibly well. Is the atmosphere in the squad as good as it appears from the outside looking in?
JW: Yes it is. Everyone gets on and if anyone has issues about something or other then it is dealt with face to face. I have played at another club where it was full of tantrums and playground whispering but here it is nothing like it. It really is as good as it seems.
PH: Are you looking forward to preseason?
JW: As long as the knee holds up. I am one of those who absolutely loves pre-season but will spend every training session moaning about how hard it is. I will always do it and do it as best I can as i know that at my age I need it.
PH: If you had to pick one - The Bleep Test or a 2 1/2 minute?
JW: 2 1/2 minute every time, as a bleep test lasts so much longer. That one was easy.
PH: How about a little wager? I'll buy you a bottle of Bollinger if you score 10 league goals next season. If you don't you have to sing the Finish National Anthem at presentation evening next year Sami Antonen style?
JW: That is hardly a fair bet now is it. If I win I get a drink, if you win I completely humiliate myself in front of lots of people that I see on a regular basis. If I can have penalties I will take you up on that.
PH: OK, how about 7 goals, not including penalties and I'll make it a bottle of Dom Pom?
JW: 7 goals it is then. Even I can manage that. Not if I'm playing at the back though!
PH: About time someone starts scoring from corners!
JW: There is that.
PH: Finally, and don't be shy, give us a little dirt on one of your team mates?
JW: How about 3 of them. Sorry Ross , Khaya and Brad but you dirty little blighters need to start showering after a game, as next season there are going to be fines for anyone not showering. Actually I think Ross does sometimes but can't remember so will shame him anyway!
PH: Not nice, not nice at all. Come on fellas, hygiene is everything! Mr. Warren, Sir, it has been a pleasure.
JW: The pleasure was all mine.
PH: Now you best speak to Sami Antonen and start learning the Finnish National Anthem because I just had a word with Dunc and aparently you won't be taking penalties and you'll be staying back for corners!
We finally caught up with the legendary Matt Ball about all things Westfield. We speak to him about Saturdays win, the Westfield 'Kids', the trio's ethos and his burgeoning love affair with Dave Pugh.
P:Afternoon Mr Ball, I hope you're well? So was Saturdays win satisfying?
MB: Always well my son. To be honest it was very satisfying. It was a mature performance and just shows we are taking the team in the right direction.
P: Who stood out for you?
MB: Gordon was outstanding but MOM was young Ross. He was up against a very lively and strong lad but Ross stood up to him very well. He reads the game superbly and is actually one of the lads who listen’s to me!!
P: I’m shocked. Not that Ross was MOM but that someone actually listens to you! So on the same subject, are you happy with the development of the Westfield 'kids' and do you think your policy is the right one at this level?
MB: Most definitely. I can’t be doing with these so called good players who have only ever played at this level and think they know it all! Our passion as coaches is about improving young quality players and helping them grow and develop and hopefully move onwards and upwards. Yes we could get short term results by doing things differently but I know what a great job we are doing. Does it bother me we don’t get the recognition we deserve?? Yes and no. We live or die by our coaching ethics and if that fails then I can accept it. Anyone can win County 2 or 1 with a reasonable wage budget! ...... or maybe not ; )
P: I hear you're a big fan of Pughie's movement and work rate?
MB: I think Pughie is his own biggest fan! He keeps trying to tell me what a great player he is! I just switch off now just like he does in a game.
P: Ouch! Not one of the one’s who listens then. I’ll still put him down for 30 this season and after that comment probably a hattrick tonight! A little subtle motivation me thinks.
Gordon is looking like a great addition?
MB: Gordon is a genuine honest footballer and I love that. He never gives up and likes throwing a few eff & geffs at his team mates too!
P: What do you think about the standard of football at this level and what, if anything, frustrates you?
MB: The general level is really poor. Years back playing County League football was tough and a decent standard but as you know with the new pyramid structure all levels have dropped. I would say Hastings Utds league is equivalent to County League of 10 years ago . The biggest frustration is the lack of commitment from players. I say it how I see it and it really surprises me how lads react. They don’t wanna fight or prove you wrong they just spit their dummy out and leave....pathetic. Most people who know me, know I’m soft as s@@t away from football and will do anything for anyone but when it’s time for football it’s time for work!! If you’re not prepared to do that then we aren’t gonna get along.
P: Honestly and frankly put Mr Ball. So, how annoying is Gatch at training?
MB: Put it this way if I was still playing I would wanna kick him all night just to shut him up!
P: A bit like you used to with Jonesy!!!! Gatch is a huge addition to have back though?
MB: Potentially he could be a great player, he has all the attributes. He is good to have around the place though especially when the lads talk about his girlfriend!
P: Nice pics I hear! Or was that Birdie’s lovely lady???!!! What do you think about your local rivals?
MB: I don’t think anything to be honest. I don’t buy into all this rivalry nonsense. I am sure it bothers some players and some managers but for me it’s all about us getting our house in order and I don’t care who we beat.
P: Fair point. Back to Saturday, another clean sheet, you seemed to have sorted the side as a defensive unit?
MB: We have spent more time on our defensive duties this term and it is very satisfying that we’ve seen some improvement. We have never had a problem scoring goals despite Dave 'Bendtner' Pughs lack off thus far and I would much prefer a 1-0 win to a 5-4 any day of the week.
P: Christ, Pughie is firmly in your crosshairs at the moment! More weight to my argument though! Does the lack of recognition you receive for what you've managed to produce with no budget and limited resources rankle you?
MB: I think I have already answered this. The reason the 3 of us work so well is because we all want the same goal. We are very ambitious but also want to develop our coaching style by bringing young lads on and not buying success. Westfield FC allows us to do this. 5 of our current U18 team have been involved in the 1st team squad this year and done very well. Our reserves have been transformed and are progressing nicely under the watchful eye of Mason and our U18's are unbeaten this season. If a club at a higher level took a punt on us they would be pleasantly surprised with what we would bring to the table. Does it bother me that we don’t get the recognition?? Our players know what we are trying to achieve and they recognise it, that’s enough for me for now. Truthfully, are there any clubs locally with a budget and more resources over achieving?? Only one club is over achieving in my opinion and that is the one with no budget...... Westfield FC.
P: Tell us about Beaks legendary 'Bottle kicking' incident last season.
MB: Possibly the funniest thing I have witnessed in all my time in football and Tone and I still giggle like a pair of school girls when we mention it.! We still have to hide the bottles from him on match days. Priceless!
P: He really is a prize berk sometimes. We try to draw him on the incident but you refused to be drawn on the issue! Anything juicy you can give us on Tone?
MB: No Tone is the most boring person you will ever meet. Although he wears fake tan that makes his eyebrows go ginger, very strange.
P:We approaches Mr Harris with this allegation to which he replied ‘ It’s not fake tan!!! It’s natural tanning moisturizer’. Not really sure that’s much better Tone??? I hear you have a tendency to hide the players gear. True?
MB: I have a tendency to get bored and occasionally things go walk about. Although it’s starting to get out of hand and I wouldn’t want to be Jonesy at the moment!
P: Yeah, we heard about Windy having to travel home in the spare Keeper kit because his entire wardrobe had found it’s way into the showers. Any comment on Bexhill's team photo?
MB: I like their Physio xx
P: You old smoothy! The Christmas ‘Stars in their eyes’ party beckons over yonder horizon young Matthew, Who will you be taking on?
MB: Cee Lo Green I reckon. Or maybe Abba with Tone, Jonesy and Mason!
P: You and Mason as the ladies I’d assume! Goal for the rest of the season?
MB: Keep improving as a side and see how close we can get to a promotion position
P: Whats the most irritating characteristic of one individual in the squad? Joe's hair flicking or Ash's laid back attitude for example?
MB: Sam 'Kevin' Willett always having an opinion.
Tom 'Rhino' Archer saying he is the best centre half at the club
Jack 'glass Jaw' Stapley squeeling like a pig (every game!!!)
Dave 'Bendtner' Pugh always working late on PAIN Mondays (among other things!)
And Birdy; I’m sick of having to change his nappies.
P: Hattrick tonight Pughie and then strike a pose in front of the bench buddy! On a separate note, are you as big a fan of Jess as the rest of us?
MB: Lovely Jess knows what I think of her, I told her last night ; )
P: Brilliant! Finally, what are you expecting Tuesday?
MB: 3 points, Jonesy to row with Bexhill’s bench and for Garmos sake, a warm night!!
P: It’s been emotional Matthew!
MB: As always pal.
I finally got to catch up with the mercurial talent that is Khaya Nyathi. He's a bold little chap!
P: First things first, cracking performance Saturday. Now talk me through that ridiculous haircut?
KN: Thank you very much. It’s much appreciated. As for the haircut its THE very latest black man's style, not that you would know that but i can assure you I’ve had a very positive response from the vast majority.
P: I find that difficult to believe. How do you think you’ve done so far this season?
KN: I think I’ve done well so far but there’s always more that can be done. I’m still looking for my first goal and when that arrives that should give me even more confidence. Bet you didn’t think that was possible!
P: God help us! Did you expect to have made so many appearances so early on in the season for the frontside?
KN: No I didn’t think I would have played as much due to the quality and experience of the players in my position but now I’ve got my chance I need to take it and give the coaches plenty to think about.
P: Tone, Matt and Dunc can’t talk highly enough about you. They have high hopes for you as a player. What are your expectations for yourself as a footballer?
KN: I make sure I give it everything each and every single time I play and as long as I do that everything else should take care of itself.
P: Wise words my diminutive friend. If you could have an ability of one of your team mate’s, what would it be?
KN: Hmmm, tough question but il have to say the purity and accuracy of David Pugh's shooting is a quality I would love to have.
P: We talking about the same player? Dunc say’s you’re hardly shy and reserved in the changing rooms, a lack of confidence is hardly something you suffer from. Is this true?
KN: Well I can’t argue with Dunc there! I enjoy getting involved in all the banter, I figured I’ve got to give as good as I get or I’ll end up like Tom Archer, constantly being the victim!
P: They tell me Jack, your u18’s manager, comes in for some stick, usually concerning the lovely Jess (I’m a big fan of Jess!), is this true?
KN: I won’t say too much at the risk of getting a few 2&half minutes at training except for well done Jack.... you lucky bastard!
Oh and Hi Jess if you're reading this.
P: Hi from me as well Jess! How do you think you cope with the physical side of Senior football?
KN: Simple. I like to imagine myself as Lionel Messi and the opposition as Pepe. Humiliate them and when they kick me or push me get back up and humiliate them again.
P: Favourite song of all time?
KN: The Game featuring Lil Wayne- My life
P: Favourite TV show of all time?
K: Two and A Half Men
P: Fifa or Pro Evo?
KN: Fifa
P: I’m hearing about the Westfield Christmas party, ‘Stars in Their Eyes’ night. As it’s compulsory for every player to get up and sing, which band/singer will you emulate and what will the tune be?
KN: N.W.A - Straight outta Compton or 50 cent - 21 questions
P: I’m definitely getting old! As I’m clearly talking to a man of taste and style, in your educated opinion, who is the worst dressed in the club?
KN: To be fair Westfield is a well dressed club in general but I’m gonna have to say Windy just because of THAT hat.
P: I hear that away from football you’re not as stupid as you look! What do you see yourself doing away from football?
KN: Back-handed compliment? Anyway after my A-Levels i see myself going to Uni and then hopefully getting a job in government.
P: Favourite quote of all time?
KN: Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
P: Nice! How have you found it working with Tone, Bally and Dunc?
KN: I have enjoyed it immensely. Except for Bally's pyramid. Now that I haven't enjoyed!
P: Favourite book of all time?
KN: Kensuke's Kingdom
P: Surprisingly good choice, I was expecting Harry Potter or the Twilight Saga! Finally, give me a little bit of dirty on one of your team mates?
KN: Windy once crapped his pants in broad daylight! haha!
P: Not a lot I can say after that!
So the season is up and running. Last Saturday saw us go down 2-1 to Rushington on a disappointing opening day at the Parish Field. But the lads were swift to put things right with an emphatic win this weekend with a 6-0 win against Midhurst with a brace from Birdie and Mr Barham with the others coming from Sam Willett and Bakes as they got their accounts for the season up and running. However, when we caught up with The Beak after the game he was decidedly and uncharacteristically modest and a little negative about the performance.
P: 6-0. Cracking day at the office Beaky?
DJ: It was OK.
P: Only OK????? 6-0 and it could have been a cricket score and our first cleansheet of the season, we didn’t see many last year!
DJ: You’re right, I’m chuffed with the cleansheet but let’s be honest, it shouldn’t have been. We went to sleep three times and if their forward could have hit a barn door with a beach-ball it would have finished 6-3.
P: True but in the end it didn’t and 6-0 isn’t a bad result by any stretch of the imagination.
DJ: Look, in no way am I saying it was a bad result or a bad performance, we won 6-0 after all. But, and it’s a big ‘but’, the lads have to learn they need to concentrate for 90 minutes. They switched off as individuals and collectively three times and it should have cost us. And at the same time, you’re right in saying it should have been a cricket score. We should have put the game to bed by halftime. Instead we squandered good chances and let them back into the game for a twenty minute period at the end of the first half. What was pleasing was the way they organised themselves when we were under pressure, which was what they should of done, but failed to do last week. Also, the fact that the chances we missed well all incredibly well crafted opportunities. It was a big step in the right direction but we are still a long way from the finished article.
P: When you put it like that it’s hard to argue. A step in the right direction though?
DJ: Yes. I’m only critical because I can see how good this group is. It’s not like other years; this group should be close to the finished article. It shouldn’t be about scrapping for points and a high finish. Yes we want to help them improve and move onto a higher level but while we achieve that with them, as a team, they should be good enough to do more than scrap for a top 4 finish. You could see glimpses on Saturday of what they’re capable of and that was a side without Pughie, Woody, Ridgeway, Ringers and Jim. When you think about that it puts into context how good this side can be if they keep listening, learning and progressing.
P: A few big decisions to make Saturday and more than a few headaches over the next couple of weeks?
DJ: God yeah, but they’re good headaches to have.
P: Confident for Saturday?
DJ: If they remember their jobs, then definitely.
P: Who stood out for you on Saturday?
DJ: They all played well. It was great to see the new lads Gordon and Sando putting in excellent displays. Jack was superb and Sam Willett looked back to his best but for me the two young lads Ross Williams and Bradley Owens really stood out I thought Birdie and Joe Barham were both exceptional.
P: Birdie was my man of the match.
DJ: Birdie or Joe Barham for me.
P: Well good luck Saturday and I’ll look forward to talking to you after Beaky.
DJ: Always a pleasure pal.
Saturday saw our first pre-season session of the season take place. We caught up with Beaky over how he thought things went.
P: Morning Mr Jones.
DJ: Morning Phoenix.
P: Good to be back?
DJ: Fantastic buddy. We look forward to the break as the season draws to an end but no sooner than it’s here you want it gone. Far too many shopping trips with the wife!
P: I feel your pain Beak. So, why so early and is it too early?
DJ: I had a feeling you may ask that. If I’m frank, it’s boarding on being too early but I think after the lads saw the session we put on Saturday they’re starting to understand why we wanted them back when we did. It’s all ball-work and even though we didn’t manage to deliver the session we wanted, the lads still got a glimpse of why they’re back.
P: Which is?
DJ: In the league last year we scored 67 but conceded 70.
P: Ouch!
DJ: That’s one way of putting it. With the talent we have going forward we will never fail to score goals, the issue has always been that we leak to many.
P: So what’s the solution. New personnel?
DJ: We’re always looking for new players who fit in with the standards and demographic that we look for, players who can come in and add to the quality of the squad. Hopefully this year we’ve done that, as we’re looking to add two or three new faces to the squad. But, NO, in short, new personnel isn’t the answer.
P: So what is?
DJ: For me, the fault lies with Tone, Matt and I. The way you shut up shop in this or any league is by being organised. The system is irrelevant to some extent, be it a 4-5-1, 4-4-2 or 4-3-3, the issues remain the same, players have to understand the roles and responsibilities of not just their position but every position on the pitch and the unit as a whole. If you can nail that, if you can be fluid and organised, then the clean sheets will come. That’s why we’re back.
P: So will we see a new Westfield this year?
DJ: I don’t think the side from last year needs to change a lot. As I say, we have the quality, we’re looking to add a couple but the main area in which we need improvement now sits squarely with Tone, Matt and I. We now need to deliver as coaches. So, will you see a new Westfield this season? The personnel will not be a great deal different but hopefully you’ll see this young group develop, mature, play better football and be a tighter defensive unit.
P: Can you tell us anything about these new faces of which you speak?
DJ: No.
P: You’re not going to tell us anything?
DJ: Nope. It wouldn’t be fair to the lads in question. When they’ve signed and they’re happy for us to realease their names, you’ll be the first to know.
P: Fair enough. So what of the squad from last year?
DJ: I’m glad to confirm, with one exception, everyone is back onboard.
P: That’s brilliant news. May I ask who the one is?
DJ: You can ask but don’t expect an answer. It’s the same as I said about the new signings, if and when they happen, you’ll be the first to know. What I will say is that after Saturday, Tone and I are incredibly happy and excited by where we are with things.
P: So, what does excite you this year. Anyone in particular stand out?
DJ: That’s a tough one as there’s a lot that excites me about this side. I’m really looking forward to working with the lads from last year, the likes of Sam Willett and Jim Gatcum, lads who came on leaps and bounds last season and rightly drew a lot of attention. They’ve signed and committed to the year and I’m really looking forward to watching them develop further this season. I think Joe Barham will be one to watch this year, we saw glimpses of what he was capable of last session like at Little Common where he was unplayable. We’ve got big plans for him this session and I’m really looking forward to working with him. But if you pushed me to pick one thing it would be that I’m excited about working with the new crop of youngsters we have coming through. In the likes of Sam Winter, Tom Watson, Josh Eaton and Jamie Eliis, to name just a few, we have an incredibly talented set of players who are technically very strong. They’ll be pushing for first team places from the start this year and I know Matt and Tony are as excited about having the opportunity to help them develop as I am?
P: It all sounds very promising? So as I’ve got you for a second, how do you think the season will go? Can you win it?
DJ: If Tone, Matt and I do our job then I’m sure we can give it a good go. But that isn’t what it’s about for us. It’s about constant progression, helping these lads develop as individuals and a unit - both on and off the pitch. Quietly, I hope and believe we can deliver a trophy or two but it’s not the only aim. The aim is to give these lads a good grounding in senior football and help them move up the footballing pyramid.
P: So how was Saturday, was it a good turn out?
DJ: With the exception of the confusion at the start that saw us needing to move venues quickly, it was fantastic. Even after all the palaver we had over 40 lads turned up and we put on a good session, albeit that we had to improvise a little due to the time at our disposal. They’re a great bunch and we’re really looking forward to working with them.
P: Brilliant, thanks Beak. One final question, any comment on the merry-go-round at Bexhill?
DJ: None at all. What’s happening elsewhere is of no interest to us. We just have to concentrate on our own shop. But I do think what’s happened down there is very harsh on the previous management set-up.
P: And nothing on new signings?
DJ: That’s two questions Phoenix. When there’s news you’ll be the first to know.
P: Cheers Beak
DJ: Always a pleasure.
This afternoon I speak to David Seymour future PM of our great nation and sporter of one of the worst haircuts I’ve seen in my life.
P: Good afternoon young David.
DS: Phoenix
P: First things first, in your mind, how successful has the coalition government been so far, has it worked for us as a country? What has the Tory/Lib Dem union done for us as a nation?D: What a question!
P: I don’t mess about young Seymour!
DS: I don't think it's been all bad to be honest, it's not an easy job they've got on their hands. My only criticism is the way the Tories have been using the Lib Dems as a human shield on certain issues but in all fairness I think Clegg had to expect that. If it wasn't for the whole tuition fees issue i would be pretty happy with how it's gone.
P: Pro or anti AV David?
DS: Personally i'm an av man. They both have their pros and cons but I feel the negatives of first past the post outweight those of av.
P: I think you’re mad. I vote for who I want in government. The idea of the people I put third squeaking in as a consequence leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But hey that’s just me! Now talk us through that haircut?
DS: It's really an ode to a bygone era. I'm trying to get the feeling of Chris Waddle's mullet with the maturity and intergrity of Ringo Starr's mop circa. 1965. It's one for all the fans to enjoy and I intend to keep it until it eventually comes back into style.
P: A trend setter not a follower. I like it David, I like it a lot. You’ve grown up on the pitch surrounded by a bunch of lovable halfwits, how exactly did you manage to stay sane?
DS: That's probably a bit over the top. I wouldn't say they're lovable. No they are all top chaps and despite their eagerness to steal each others flip flops or wizz on each other in the shower, or some of the team's questionable clothing choices (Matt Crutwell looks like he's been beaten up by a primark catalogue) they have good hearts. I see it as a way of experiencing a different culture. Who needs a gap year travelling across Asia when you can just join Westifled FC.
P: Brilliant, I love it. PM or England Captain ‘Question Time’, which would you choose?
DS: I definitely couldn't handle the stress that comes with being the PM and it would be an honour to captain my country so I think that one’s a no brainer, but I’d settle for the vice-captaincy of Westfield. And if that doesn’t come to fruition I’m more than happy to accept an honorary position on the board.
P: Leave it with me, I’ll have a word. Give us your dream ‘Question Time’ panel and what would you ask them?
DS: I've had many a sleepless night thinking about this. I think I'd have Vince Cable strutting his tuff on there as well Peter Mandelson. I'd chuck Boris Johnson in there for the laughs and have Jamie Oliver there too to give us some tips on cooking. I'd also have Maggie Thatcher on there, after all you need a bit of eye candy.
P: Careful David, don’t knock Maggie, the woman’s a national treasure! Who do you liken yourself to as a footballer?
DS: I like to see myself as somewhere between Tim Sherwood and Jack Stapley.
P: Okaaaaaay. Moving on! Who do you aspire to emulate away from the football pitch?DS: Spider-man. Or Sam Willett.
P: Are the two the same person? Has Bally ever brought you close to tears?
DS: Not sure about that. I think I've nearly brought him to tears with a few defensive displays this season though.
P: I can’t disagree, I watched you at Seaford! I get the impression that you’ve enjoyed playing for Tone, Dunc and Matt. True?
DS: Yeah I suppose they're alright chaps. No I've had a cracking time. They all compliment each other, whether it's Bally's shouting at half time, Jonesy's shouting at full time or the fact that Tony looks like the love child of Thomas Gravesen and Danny Mills. They all have their qualities.
P: Thank you for that, That image will tickle me for many an hour. Tremendous.How good do you think these boys can be and is it true what we’re hearing, that the squad is staying together despite significant interest from outside the club?
DS: I think we've got great potential as a team and we can be as good as we want to be. All we have to do is put their mind to it. The Sky's the limit. Our destiny is in our own hands. And as far as I'm aware the team looks like it will be staying together albeit a number of players, including myself, have been thinking of a big money switch to a breakaway Mexican wrestling division but we'll just have to see what happens there.
P: I hear you’re partial to a gimp mask David! Have to pack those antics in if you want to become a cabinet member. Or just get someone good to clean up after you! If you could have an attribute of one of your team mates what would it be?
DS: Steve Smithers' way with words.
P: Is the ginger genius really as stupid as he makes out?
DS :Yes.
P: Priceless. If you were to have a deep and meaningful, drunk intellectual conversation with one of the gang this weekend who would it be and what do you think would be the topic up for discussion?
DS: I think Steve Smithers would have some interesting philisophical points that would be worth hearing, although Windy and TA do like a good political debate so we'll have to see.
P: Smithers? That conversation could take a while! What’s worse for you, Joe B’s hair or Birdie’s chin-strap beard?
DS: I can't really criticise haircuts so I'm going to have to go with Birdie's chin strap. Having said that I can't really criticise beards either as I lack the hormone count to grow one.
P: To honest David, another trait to correct before you make parliament. Favourite Album of all time?
DS: Now 35.
P: Shocking. How’s Uni life and do you miss playing for Westfield?
DS: Uni is going great although I’ve been living off a strict diet of Cereal, pasta and anything Mr Kipling has to offer due to my poor culinary skills. And of course I miss playing for Westfield! Uni football is quality but you can't beat a 50/50 challenge on a Saturday afternoon against a 17 stone, wife beater from Southwick called Keith can you!?
P: I know him well! Give us a bit of juicy dirt on one of your team mates?
DS: Peter Baker weed on my flip flops. Oh and I believe Steve Smithers had a real team bonding session with Sasa Ilic back in his heyday but you'll have to ask him about that.
P: Good old Sash, I can only imagine what went on there. Any comment of the possibility the UK tax payers may have to foot some of the bill for a Greek bail out?
DS: Yeah, I could talk for hours about why I hate the EU and I don't think I’d be able to give it justice in a soundbite.
P: If, for some reason you were to accidentally stumble into a strip joint this weekend, who do you think would come out the most skint?
DS: Matt Crutwell but that's probably because he's a poor student, such as myself, rather than spending a load on professional dancers. To be honest it wouldn't surprise me if he tried seeing if he could get a student discount in there. But I fancy Tom Archer to spend a few bob in there. It's always the quiet ones.
P: Arrrr poor TA. Don’t pick on him, the poor lad is frustrated, he has a viable excuse! Tell us what you love about football?
DS: The first game of the season. The rest is rubbish.
P: And finally, if you had to choose, winning the league next season with Westfield or West Ham staying in the Premier league?
DS: Well I can't see my beloved hammers staying up unless Boa Morte goes on a rampant scoring streak in the last two games so I think it would have to be winning the league with Westfield.
P: The correct answer. David it has been a pleasure.
It’s time to talk to the Gatch. Don’t worry I know most of you don’t speak ‘Ginger’ so I’ve translated for you!
P: Afternoon young James.
JG: Alright how’s it goin!!!!
P: So, how's the foot?
JG: It’s seen better days, just gotta rest it so hopefully I’ll be off the crutches when we go Bournemouth.
P: Ahhhh, the legendary Westfield ‘End of Season Do’! Let’s hope you’re back on your feet by then. So, do you still really think Sunday football is worth the trouble?
JG: Well I do as I have said before, I obviously wanna be playing football all the time but the injuries and bookings that came with it are pointless for Westfield but that’s football.
P: Hmmmm, let’s get off this topic I think. Any strange pre-match superstitions?
JG: Yeah, I normally wear these star boxers to a game get my mum to wash them just for a Saturday.
P: Lucky mum! Do you think the side would be on the poor run they are on if you hadn't broken your foot?
JG: Most probably, yes. One person doesn’t make a team; we have the skill in the other players to be winning these games but just on a bad run of form.
P: Modesty, I’m impressed, although I think you’re underestimating your value to this side buddy. If you could compare yourself to a player from history who would it be and why?
JG: Gary Linekar because he is a legend and so am I. Simples.
P: OK, maybe I was off base with the modesty comment! How have you found your first season in senior football?
JG: Yeah it’s been alright, I’ve found out that the refs are more ‘bizzaroids’ than any other league I have played in.
P: I think Bally and Dunc would definitely agree with you on that one! How high do you think you can play?
JG: I don’t really think about that to be honest. I just think about the next game ahead and how we can win that!
P: Name a trait in one of your team mates that makes you chuckle? JB's hair flicking, Jonesy bad dress sense...
JG: It’s gotta to be those awful hats that Windy and Tom wear, they’re actually shocking.
P: Thought being ginger you’d be partial to a hat?! So, what's your moment of the season?
JG: I think beating lancing at home has gotta be the one because they could not hack it at all!
P: They couldn’t cope with you that day. It showed what these boys are capable of. If you could have one attribute of one of your team mates what would it be?
JG: Well it has gotta to be Pughy’s goal scoring, the bloke is actually a robot!!
P: How have you found working with Tone, Dunc and Bally?
JG: Yeah, I suppose they are alright. All three of them are different people and played in different positions so you can see the game from all areas, which is good and they all have their own ways of talking to you. Tony is nice and calm, Dunc used to be calm but he’s more like Bally everyday, which is now scream n shout and kick or slam the nearest thing to him.
P: Hmmmm, interesting. I’m sure he’s pleased to know that! I’m sure he tries calm but you lot make his blood boil. As for Tone, I think he’s calm more because he’s just dumbfounded with what to say to you herbets sometimes! Anyway, who has impressed you this year?
Probably the easiest question you could ask. In five letters ROBOT!
P: What do you think of the other teams locally?
JG: Yeah they are good. I don’t really think about them to be honest. I just concentrate on my team!
P: My team. I like that! If you could have dinner with three people from history who would it be and why?
JG: Bakes, Hitler and Sadam Hussain, because then me and Bakes can terrorize them!
P: It’s not often I’m lost for words Gatch! Tell us a bit about the new crop of youngsters we have coming through?
JG: Yeah, they are a good lot. I’ve known them for ages and always seemed good enough to go a long way!
P: We hear you've committed to next season. How much do you think this bunch can achieve next term?
JG: Well I reckon if we all stayed together (Pughie!) we would defo have a title challenge.
P: I best be talking to the ROBOT then. We know you're dying to, so give us a bit of dirt on one of your team mates. Something they won't easily live down!
JG: Birdy used to be a chef!
P: I thought he still was? Burger and chips now Chef! At least we know who’ll be in the kitchen in Bournemouth! So, what was your goal of the season?
JG: Pughy’s free kick against Uckfield. What made it even better was their manager shouted ‘don’t worry this ain’t goin’ in’ and bang top corner 2-1 up!!!!
P: Is there something going on between you and Pughie we should know about Jimbo? Anyway, finally, what have you enjoyed most about this year and if you've learnt one thing what is?
JG: Yeah, this year has been bloody good, great lot of people around you all the time and one thing I have learnt is don’t back chat Bally because your never gonna win!!
P: Amen to that my little ginger friend!
P: So, Tone, how's the season been?
TH: It's been a good season in the league although a bit inconsistent but very disappointing in the cups where we fell at the first hurdle in each competition, however, on a coaching side the boy's have been a pleasure
to work with.
P: What all of them? Don’t answer that, we’ll get to that later! So, are you proud of what the three of you have achieved?
TH: Yes considering the amount players that left last season and the fact that our average has gone from 29 to 20 with only 4 of our squad having played at a Senior level previously I feel that we've built a good side that has proven on its day can compete with the best (beating Lancing and Uckfield was testament to this).
P: Just a shame you didn’t do the double over Uckfield. We all would have taken great pleasure from that! What's been your crowning glory as it were?
TH: In terms of results winning away at promoted Uckfield, drawing at promoted Worthing Utd and winning at home against Champions elect Lancing. But for me our 'crowning glory' as you put it, is taking a group of youngsters/players who were new to each other and had only ever played intermediate football previously and moulding them into a competitive Senior football team which has competed to be in the top 6 all season is
a decent achievement for the season.
P: And one you maybe don’t get enough credit for. What are your hopes for next season and can the three of you hold this promising group together?
TH: To hold the group of players that we have together and build on their successful first season and compliment them by continuing to bring through youngsters that have talent and potential to play at a higher level. I'm also looking forward to seeing our new look U18's come together.
P: So be honest, how frustrating is it to manage Jimmy Gatcum and Sammy W?
TH: Just like all the lads they're a delight to work with but it is slightly frustrating that 2 of our most influential players and our 'engine room' will miss the rest of the season through suspension and injury (picked up playing pointless Sunday football!!!!). As with all the boys they've done very well for us and have improved considerably since the start of the season and I feel are going to be a match for any midfield line up in our league next season.
P: So if we’re being honest here, where do you think you've failed? Do you think you could and should
have got more out of certain players?
TH: I always look at players and feel we could and maybe should be getting more from them, I feel we haven't had the squad strength to keep players on their toes all season and maybe we failed by not having a reserve team that gave that element of competition, although this is now starting to change dramatically.
P: Spill the beans time, who has the worst dress sense in the club?
Without wanting to kicking a man on crutches I feel it has to be Sean AKA Cletus from the Simpsons.
P: When the dress sense is that bad you have to kick him while he’s down! Onto your glory days as a player. I’m intrigued to know that if you could have had one attribute of one of your lads when you were younger what would it be?
TH: Windy's pace, Sam's passing ability, Ash Paine's ability to read a game, Tom's height and aerial prowess, Bake's delivery, Brainy's tackle – I know you asked for 1 but I'd have been a hell of a player with those
qualities and Brainy's tackle would've helped no end!!!
P: I assume we’re talking about Brainy’s prowess on the pitch, not his physical attributes!!!!! What is the one thing about your team or an individual player that makes you want to scream the most? JB's hair for instance?
TH: Windy's pathetic screaming in frustration when for the 100th time in the first half he's miss kicked a ball as well as Joe B's flick of his flowing locks
P: I find it hard to argue on either point! Funniest moment of the season for you?
TH: Dunc having a tantrum in a management meeting after the Bexhill game and attempting to kick the water bottles over but only managing to land on his back side, him still saying he was laughing afterwards whilst
clearly throwing his toys from his pram makes me chuckle.
P: He does bring it on himself that boy! Now give me a little bit of dirty on a member of the squad, something they won't easily live down?
TH: Jonesy would never forgive me if I gave him up and he's got far, far too much dirt on me so I'll have to go with Matty Cruttwell admitting his dad combs his hair for him, you're 17 man!!!!
P: Probably a sensible decision. It will be interesting if Jonesy is as kind in return! Goal of the season for you?
Probably Tom A's winner at home to Lancing because of how late in the game it was and it capped a great come back, although Pughy's late free kick winner at Uckfield was also special.
P: Greatest song of all time?
Andrea Bocelli - Time to say goodbye, so emotional
P: And you wonder why people wonder about you! Talk to me quickly about the new ground and the future of this great little club.
TH: It's been a very, very, very long process but we're edging closer to it becoming reality and the sooner it happens the better. Everyone connected with the club are pushing for it to happen and are working
very hard behind the scenes to make it happen as quickly as possible. We're already heading in the right direction on the pitch with our policy of taking local youngsters with ability who want to improve and
play higher and giving them their first taste in senior football and I'm confident that this will pay dividends for the clubs reputation as well as our performance on the pitch but most importantly by the fact that it
won't be long before we see our players playing at Ryman level and above (Dave Pugh being approached by Hastings and Matt Cruttwell by Whitehawk are testament to this). We've a good group of 16 year olds coming into the club and pushing for first team squad places and moving forward I'd like to see our youth teams continue to improve and progress through to the adult teams and higher.
P: And finally, if you could have dinner with three people from history
who would they be and why?
TH: Tiger Woods, John Terry & Wayne Bridge - John & Wayne would be arguing while Tiger would make it worse by asking for all the sordid detail, just to see Tiger's recovery from sex addiction fall apart and John &
Wayne throwing hand bags at each other would be funny.
P: I’ll be awaiting my invite in the post for that one! Cheers Baldy.
TH: Always a pleasure my feathery friend.
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